Should I?
by Ever-After-Thy-Love
Summary: old oneshot I re-did  She hadn't told him, and now she had the opportunity…But his spark was already crushed as much as it could get for now…How would he handle?


_When I close my eyes to this paradox place_

Life is not as it was so long ago. And yet it feels like it was just yesterday. Like when I wished for adventure and excitement to meet me at my door step. To carry me away into a world of wonder. But now I wished it would leave, pack up its things and let me be.

There were some perks to this new way of living and, as always, some down sides. There were No gas bills, I made new friends, not a dull moment to be seen in my life… love...If you could call it that.

Then there are the down sides, the murder, all my pent up hate, almost death more than enough times to count and the weight of death fresh on our hearts...

_I fly away far away from here_

Maybe I should just leave, up and vanish like I never existed! But...what would that accomplish? Nothing...Nothing is the word. Absolutely Nothing. Maybe put us behind about two years in our so called 'progress'.

I could get captured if I leave. Be pumped for information and tortured by Cons or be locked up and called a rouge. And would after I left would I really have wanted to? Deep down I know I cant escape this...though once in a while...it's nice to fantasies isn't it?

_I'll get away and dream dream of you._

I growled looking back up at my dark ceiling. Nothing was up there, it was blank and empty like my life had been before I heard that crash. Dull and lonely. With my friends gone and my life a black and grey canvas with no colorful paint to be splashed across its face.

But now it was somewhat full, Color having been forcefully sprayed upon said canvas. There was excitement now, prominent danger, friends who I would die for and I knew would die for me. Although I don't know how I could die for some of them? They were after all, alien robots...

And then there was him.

_When it's all said and done and the nights has come_

No! I would snarl to myself

I could not let my mind toile with the unthinkable. YOU were younger then I growled. Immature, unstable, looking for something to fill a hole you didn't know how to fill yourself. You just needed a substitute for stability...and he was there to protect and to fill that in your young teenage years.

Years of emotional trauma and toil...But, but he filled it didn't he? That gaping hole of pain and misery? He did so with vigor and compassion, he showed you not all things with strength are here to destroy. He cared, sought to be your friend after it was his mistake that drug you into this mess.

_I'll disappear take flight on the wind of wishing you were here_

I slid off of my bunk, bare toes making small creeks as I climbed down the ladder to the floor. Attempting to not wake my sleeping comrades...no, more like my friends.

There was absolutely no use in moping around all night in her bunk anyway. I would never get to sleep that way. And there could be an attack for all I knew, the cons had become more vigorous with the recent tragedies... And I wasn't one to miss a fight.

But missing it might alert them that something is wrong, that im having doubts... but do I want them to know something is off? Or do I want to keep up this façade? I decide its best to let me decide when im not sleep deprived and heavy hearted...

_Fading light like a star whose life has been gone for years_

It's dark outside our room.

Clearly its past what time I thought it was, but my internal clock has been off lately. The only light comes from low ceiling lamps, and I am not supposed to be up to see them, let alone us them for guidance. I doubt they have been changed for years, let alone checked as one flickers and dies as I leave its light space.

I let my feet carry me. I had no say in where I was going anymore.

"Where is my mind~"

I hummed softly to myself, an old comfort method I used every now and then when I was alone. I tensed as I heard something creak inside one of the doors. My humming came to an abrupt halt. Looking up at the large door, bigger than any door a human would need to fit through...but that made sense only here. I felt a pang of guilt yet again.

_And I'll fly fly across the sky_

No late night walks were supposed to be taken, so I had to wonder what caused the noise, that wasn't a chamber anyway. No late night anything tonight infact, especially not tonight.

I sighed, nothing to do tonight except mope around wondering if this is really what my life should look like. No, I had a plain and simple answer to that question yet again. I was doomed from the beginning with this. But. Would my life be different if I had not gone and let my curiosity lead me to the beach that fateful night?

Probably...then yet again...

_And I'll leave leave it all behind_

Now I knew. With sudden realization.

I knew were my feet were leading me, To see who I wanted to and had wanted to since this happened...in that place was were my biggest mistake was made.

And it was made only a few hours before this nighttime walk throughout the base. No one, or thing, is supposed to be up right now... and shouldn't be. But for some reason I see something large in the distance.

I am in the main control room now. Ears trained for any type of noise or threat, just like instinct and intensive training had taught me.

_If you'll be here here with me tonight_

I blinked, my ears did pick up a noise. It was a sound with the ability to shatter my heart into over a thousand little pieces.

It reminded me of what …no I wouldn't go there. I wouldn't allow myself that mental comfort, I didn't deserve it... I kept walking, though I wanted my feet to stop! I wanted them to hault immediately after I knew who's frame that was.

Door wings drooped, odd sitting position that could remind one of a child trying to escape a yelling parent or older sibling, maybe even a bully...the faint blue glow of ones optics...

I wasn't fast enough to stop my feet and turn around before he noticed me. I froze,

Alien electric blue eyes pierced every part of me with hatred, sadness, pain, confusion, some small drop of hope I kept searching for deep down.

Over my time here, it had become a small habit to be able to pick out emotions within the optics of the Autobots and Decepticons...I was just now realizing it hurt to see the pain within another.

_Ill be fine I'll be fine I'll be fine_

"Bee?"

I let it slipped before I could catch it. It wriggled out of my mouth and he grabbed onto it with every bit of brute force he could, then he smashed it to tiny bits with a hurtful look and casting his optics to the floor again.

"Wwhhhaaattt?"

I winced, the grating sound of him using his actual vocalizer...It must have been painful, and he wasn't supposed to stress the new mend.

I tentatively reached up and placed my hand on his leg.

"How are you?"

Oh I wanted to slap myself! How was he? Pft...my stupid ass, oh I don't know mourning over the possible death of his best friend...well...human friend?

"Alllrriiggghhttt...Whhhyyy aaassskkkk?"

I flinched, his voice sounded terrible, I wondered how long he had kept up his small fit...This time I thought out my words however, I picked them...wanted him to know I cared...Sam's abduction had been so hasty and confusing, no one knew weather he was dead or alive in a realistic sense...

"Cause I...wanted...no... I needed to know how you were..."

_Then I'll disappear take flight on the wind of wishing you were here_

"Sam's gone"

Two words were his reply.

It came out as a tinny whisper, but It killed me and I heard it clearly. What made this worse is that I was there when it happened, and I couldn't and didn't even try to do anything...If I played it back out, I could have done something...And yet I didn't fire a shot.

"I'm so sorry Bumblebee, I don't know why they took him but they did, but we '_will_' find him …Hun, you need a good recharge."

He was deprived of it, another thing I picked up from his posture and his optics, which I noted were filling with an oily coolant...he was...crying?

He flashed his eyes upon me and I saw the oily tears fall down like rain. I hear them splash on the floor. Though I couldn't see them... The only true light was the light from sad eyes that showed me his face.

"IIiiii faaaiiiled"

My mouth set into a firm, disapproving line.

"No, Bee, you can't tell yourself that."

_Fading light like a star whose light has been gone for years_

He blinked, some of the tears hitting my upper arm and I was sure staining my grey, oversized t-shirt.

"Hhoowww caaann Iii nooot?"

I glared and attempted to climb up on him but he scooped me up first and held me close to his wet face.

"How?"

I looked around, it was hard to keep optic to eye contact with being this close...Small little memories of when I was younger popping up, hugging his face when I did something right or needed to show affection.

"Bee, you didn't fail, you tried your hardest! You just couldn't beat Starscream... he is..well...was to powerful and you almost died to! If that doesn't count for trying your hardest..."

he looked down and away, setting me in his lap.

"Better meeee~..."

I gasped, growled softly and felt like swatting his leg, his optimistic side was gone and replaced with a small depressed attitude that seemed to be what flew around me not him!

"Then were would that leave the autobots? With one less member to fight for us? What would I think? Im sure Sam is still alive? What would he think if he heard you say that?"

I growled it out. How could he think like that? After all I had said and don-, no there goes my brain again, I reigned it in and slapped it into shape...war was no time for silly, childish romances that wouldn't work out.

Glancing back I watched his optics fade to a dull light blue.

_And I'll fly fly across the sky and I'll leave leave it all behind_

When he looked back at me he spoke again, voice just as choppy as before if not more now so.

"Wwhy yyooouuu ca-care if I go offlineeeeee?"

I looked away. Why wouldn't I care? He had saved my life so many times, as a child I idolized him, I had had deep running emotions with this one mech for years...since I was 11 for crying out loud! I was 23 now...that's a long time for him not to get that I would die with him than watch him go offline.

I pondered something... would me telling him cheer him up or destroy him even moor. I decided to lie... a 5 year delayed admission of deep love wasn't going to cure anything here tonight. I chose to lie...

"I would care Bumblebee because you are my best friend here! In this whole place you haven't left me alone or without someone to talk to, if you went out who will I talk to? Whose gonna protect me when I rile up the twins whose gonna be there for me?"

My voice choked at the end, and I cursed it silently...Why, damn my voice and dry throat.

_If you'll be here be here with me tonight_

I looked down and away yet again, afraid to make eye contact and he sighed a robotic sigh.

"Iss Tthhaatt all? fooorrr ssuuurreee?"

I blinked. Did he know somehow? Was he expecting me to tell him...Should I tell him? Now or never...that thought played and danced around in my head, tugged at my heart strings and played a small tune...The best time is now... I best tell him when he is ready to except things better. Ugg why is it so HARD? I mentally whined, I had always been afraid of love...it wasn't something I was used to or expected to find...and yet here I was...about to admit this!

_I'll be fine I'll be fine I'll be fine I'll be fine. _

"Do you...want the hundred percent truth about why I would care?"

"Yessss"

"It's something I have never told anyone else before...Ever...and no one else knows this"

That might have been a stretch, I was sure Misha knew...But she had been kind enough to stay silent for me...

"Juuuusssst t-tell meeee?"

I let out a big sigh, It refused to leave my mouth. Now after years of threatening to escape at the most inopportune moments...it was trying to hide and recoil now...well, that wasn't happening.

"Bumblebee...the biggest reason why I care, and probably more than anyone...is because I have been in...In love with you...And would rather die along beside you than watch you go out for no reason..."

What surprised me was he didn't seem shocked, his optics portrayed nothing. He seemed to only be thinking...and with flushed cheeks I stopped staring into his eyes and gave my eyes entertainment with the floor.

He didn't say anything so I took the opportunity to hand and tried one of the things on my list to do if I ever got this out in the open. Shifting about slightly and propping myself up I planted a kiss right on his mouth piece.

Again, He didn't seem to mind or notice, he just sat there. Then he finally spoke...it...wasn't exactly what I had been hoping for or expecting.

"Rreeaaallllyyy?'

And he fell right back into silence, and just before, as he caught me with my mouth opened to rush out a hurried goodnight and to curse myself into tomorrow he spoke again.

"Nevvvverr...thoughttt..youu could get itt ouuuttt..."

I blinked, reflex smart ass comments took over and I hunched my shoulders, face still inflamed.

"The unthinkable happens all the time...for better or for worse."

He nodded, a whistfull, slightly happier look upon his faceplates, before he lifted me out of his lap and set me on the ground, urging me forward.

"Oooff to bed wi-with yoooou."

I could only stand there numbly, I just admitted something to him and 'of to bed' is all he says back? All the plans I had had blew up in my face, It didn't matter that I had just admitted that to him...he didn't care, my worst fear had been confirmed, a confession of love had gone terribly wrong.

Then he added

"Dooon't worrrrrryyyy...-and he coughed lightly, as if clearing his throat- I always loved you."

OxxOxxO

**[Note: **I wrote this abouuuuttt...at the beginning of my TF love? I just re-wrote it and decided to post it as a random one-shot out of boredom like I have been with my other stories, take and re-write! Anyway, R-n-R if you want, (I don't expect seeing as this is :p ****). Thank you for reading anyway!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Transformers or the song Awakenings by Mae...though I love both to little itty bitty pieces!]


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